The Joys and Pains of Time and Love

Its been about 4 months since I've posted anything on this blog, and I feel that it is high time for me to resume. There is something comforting, in a way, about putting your thoughts out there for everyone and anyone to read. That being said, one must also be careful about how much information they reveal.

I am currently going through the roughest time that I have yet to face in my life. My beautiful girlfriend of over a year has decided to initiate a "break," which at this point means no contact until she is ready and able to stand on her own two feet without me to lean on.

It is my fault.

And it kills me that it has come to this. But after much heartache (and still more to come), I have started to realize that this break is necessary if we are to have any future at all. I even think perhaps I needed it too, even though I would never have been strong enough to ask for it.

When the love you share with someone becomes so intense, it is easy to lose yourself in that person. And that is what has happened to us. Not that being a part of someone is a bad thing, but too much intensity, especially at a young age, can certainly cause one to lose touch with themselves. So when a bad thing happens (think, cheating), it is virtually impossible to continue a relationship as it is. What needs to happen for a relationship to be saved is time and space from that person, in order to figure out who you are again and be able to heal on your own. This does not mean there is no hope for the future of the couple. A breach of trust that big means the end of the old relationship, but also, under the right circumstances, the opportunity for a new relationship to form between that couple. One that can be even better, stronger, and ultimately deeper than what they had before.

This all sounds great, and it can be, but only if the break is done right. If not enough time has past before the couple jumps back into romance, the person that was hurt might not be healed enough and will back away again, making the chances of getting back together even less likely. If too much time is given, frustration and resentment can build up in one or both parties, and lead to a sad dismantlement of the relationship.

There is not a set time for how long the "right time" will be: It depends on the couple, how strong they were (are), and how quickly they can heal. Sometimes it takes only a few days, sometimes a week or two, sometimes a month or more. One thing is for sure though: regardless of when the couple tries things again, it must be taken slow.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your significant other during this break is try to use it as a chance to improve yourself. Try to stay busy, study hard, work out, and just be the best person you can be. I was walking downtown last night and passed a beggar on the street. It was a cold, rainy night and the man had a kind face and asked if I could spare anything for him. My initial reaction was to say sorry but I didn't have anything on me. I told him to stay strong, and he didn't harass me or guilt-trip me because I hadn't given him anything. As I walked further down I kept thinking about this man, and how, despite how shitty I felt at the time, his situation was far worse. I turned around after a few minutes and walked back towards him, and there was another man there giving him a hot meal and coffee. That man left and I came back and asked him how he was doing. I couldn't hear his response but he looked at me and asked me how I was, and I told him I wasn't doing so great either. Then I opened up my wallet and handed him the only thing I had in there, a $20 bill. I told him to spend it well and good luck with everything, and went on my way. Perhaps I only did this to make myself feel better, but if that $20 helped a homeless man survive the night, then so what?

Sometimes it takes pain to truly recognize the things in life worth living for.

Back to my story. In my case, my girlfriend lives a couple hours away at another university. Fortunately for us, this gives us the opportunity to work on ourselves and our problems without being tempted to see each other because of proximity. Distance is key. The scariest part of that distance is not knowing where she is or what she is doing or who she's with. But its important to remember that she is feeling the exact same way.

One thing I haven't really addressed yet is No Contact, also known as NC (yes, its a real thing, I looked it up on Google. Actually I've spent hours reading different advice websites and a lot of this information is coming from the research I've done.) In my experience, deciding on having no contact with your partner is the best (and most difficult) way to give the person the space they need. If you don't contact them, you won't have the chance to make the situation worse by being too smothering, being mean, being sad, or just overall being a blubbering mess (no woman wants a man back that can't be strong and stand up for her or even himself.) This is something I've learned the hard way over the years. If you both decide the relationship as it stands can't go forwards, the best thing to do is simply stop talking for awhile and give her (and you) a chance to let things simmer down. The most important part of this is it will make them realize how much they miss you (and how much you miss them too), and that is always good for the beginnings of a new relationship. If you don't give them space, they won't miss you, and more likely just end up resenting you and the relationship even more.
DON'T BREAK THE NC RULE UNTIL THEY CONTACT YOU FIRST! Unless it has been a ridiculously long time and you can't wait in limbo any longer, don't do it. If you've reached your breaking point and still no word, then you might need to make sure they're not just dragging you along when they're just gonna end things for good eventually. Let them figure out how they feel, and let them miss you, and you have a good chance at starting a new relationship with that person. Most of the negative feelings that have built up between you two will have had a chance to die down and let you resume your connection.

One thing you must make sure of is not to breach your commitment to the one you love, even if a break means you're technically single. If you want to have any chance at all of winning her love and her trust back, you can't be with anyone else. Even if a cheap hookup seems like an easy way to feel better, its not worth it in the long run. Not if you really love this person. Now, if you were the one that broke her trust and cheated, its natural to be afraid that she'll do the same, either to get back at you or just to feel better. Trust me, she won't. Unless she really is out of love with you and doesn't want you back, she won't be with anyone else, or fall for any other guy. She is still in love with you, otherwise she would have ended it all at once. Even if she does end up making a mistake and hooking up with someone else, you must be able to forgive her. After all, you're hoping she will do the same for you. As long as you both can be honest with each other during the break, you can begin to build a new foundation of trust between each other.

Now, all this having been said, there is no guarantee that you will be able to get back together with that person. It is really up to them. If they love you enough, and think there still could be a future with you, they will most likely reach out to you after some time. I know its hard, so incredibly hard, but you must be patient. Even when your whole body feels like its on fire and drowning at the same time, you must wait.

Chances are, if you stay strong and do the right thing, it will all work out in the end. If you feel like the relationship is worth the pain you are going through right now, they probably do too. If you love them with all your heart and you know you will never, ever hurt them again, if you know that you are the one they are meant to be with, and that they are meant to be with you, then they know it too. It just may take some time for them to realize.

-------

I love you Avery. More than anything I have ever felt. More than anything I could ever feel for anyone else. This hasn't just been a teenage romance or an extended summer fling. This is true love. Yes, we've made some mistakes, and I certainly have earned the crown for that, but I know that the feelings we have had for each other have been real, more real than anything I know. You have taught me so much, and I know that there is still so much more I can learn from you.

That night, almost two years ago, when we sat on Willie's couch during his christmas party and we looked  into each other's eyes, we knew. Before we could even text each other. Before we were even single. Before we had even kissed. We knew. You looked at me and you told me that you've known me long before this life. And that was when I first fell in love with you. I love you Avery. Always and Forever.

Short Story #476

Once again, I find myself alone on these same cold steps, clutching the same cigarette smoldering between these same two fingers. It never changes. You work long hours into the dead of the night, just to cook the same shit food for the same bunch of drunken scumbags and low-life who are just as miserable as yourself. Or at least that's the world I know. I look out from the back steps at the alley that has become more familiar to me than my own face. Hundreds of cigarette butts cover what's left of the cracked and crumbling pavement. I count them, sometimes, on an exceedingly slow night, never reaching more than 200 before my cigarette is ashed and I have to start all over. But I never feel lonely. My cigarette keeps me company. I think it knows it too. It seems to reach out and embrace me as the gentle plumes of gray drift lazily around my hand, up, past my face. I bring it up to my lips, savoring the last few seconds of its existence, before banishing it into the sea of its extinguished brethren. As I turn back inside, I take one final glance as the last slender plume rises up and vanishes into the night sky.

American Idol: Is There Hope For The Future of Mainstream Music?

The savior of mainstream American music may be coming from the seemingly most unlikely place: American Idol. This season, the contestants' talents showcase a wide variety of genres, from country, to R&B, to metal, to jazz. I think the fact that the finalists in this show are so different from one another really shows that America has a broader taste in music than is perceived. Mainstream "pop" has become such a cultural phenomenon that it has virtually rewritten the rules that define "good music" and replaced it with dumbed down, easily accessible beats and lyrics that often completely detract from the artistic value of what music is supposed to be. It is largely because of money that this bastardization of music has taken place. Record companies and producers take a formula that sells well, and over-produce to the point where artists are no longer writing there own songs, creative expression is no longer taking place, and the music being produced basically, well...sucks. And then it is shoved down our throats and we're expected to like it and pay money for it. Art is not about money, nor has it ever been. Many of the greatest musicians were poor most of their lives; they did what they did because they loved it, not because it was lucrative.

So anyway, back to my point. With all of the diversity of artists on such a competitive and nationally-renown show, maybe America is realizing that it is tired of the same old pop formula. Maybe it wants to get back to its roots. We created country, metal, R&B, jazz; those were our original genres, inspired by the culture of its generation. Whoever wins (personally I think Casey Abrams is the most talented artist on the show) this season of Idol will surely help the revival of good American music.

Freshman year: Long distance relationships

So I just want to take a few minutes to address an issue that I think might be fairly prevalent with a lot of college freshmen. I was commenting on another person's blog about dancing at parties with people other than your boyfriend or girlfriend. Its a tricky issue that can cause some feelings of jealousy if not properly addressed. Being in a long distance relationship requires a lot of trust and good communication. Heres my two cents:

My girlfriend and I go to college about 3 hours apart (she goes to Tech.) Both of us agreed that its ok if we go to parties and dance with other people. However, this can often cause strife (usually on the guys side.) The root cause of this issue is that a girl's intentions at a dance party are often much different that a guys. This topic that caused more than one argument between my girlfriend and I, but through good communication and trust, we've gotten better at resolving it and seeing it on the same level. Heres the main issue:

Girls go dancing at parties to have fun. They do not need to go up to a guy and ask them to dance with them. Guys come to them. Girls don't have to put any effort in to make this happen; they just dance and its not about who they are dancing with, its just about dancing itself.

Guys have a much harder time in this situation. In most cases, guys do not just go to a dance party to dance and have fun. If they are on the dance floor, they have to do all the work to find a chick and (hopefully) make her want to dance with him. Most guys aren't going to want to have to do all that work unless they are going to "get something out of it." This makes going to dance parties less fun for guys in relationships because its simply not as easy to have fun on the dance floor.

All in all, the disparity between the reasons a girl goes to parties and the reason a guy goes to parties is what causes this conflict. As a guy, its hard to understand why your girlfriend would want to dance with other guys and have fun because its not that easy for a guy in a relationship to do. To guys, its a threat because dancing is viewed sexually (which, to be fair, is a reasonable viewpoint considering the way people dance today.) To a girl however, dancing is not usually viewed sexually, but it is just a way to have fun: no sexual intentions are there.

If this is a problem in your long distance relationship, my best advice is sit your boyfriend down and explain and really convince him that you don't have any sexual intentions when you dance with other guys, that to girls it is merely dancing. Tell him that you would much rather dance with him than anyone else; that you feel much safer and more comfortable with him than without him. Tell him that you think about him when you are on the dance floor and wish it was him you are with. (Maybe even tell him that you only find dancing sexual when its with him.) These are all things my girlfriend said that made me feel better about it. Other than that, he will have to accept the fact that guys and girls are just different in this area. Also tell him to go out and dance with other girls because you want him to have fun and you trust him. It definitely helped me to get over this by dancing with other girls. It helps restore your manhood, and that is something very important to every guy.

Love vs. The Universe, Pt. 2

That summer was like a wake up call for my soul. I still did not understand the full extent of what had happened on that fateful day, but I believe that emotions are the realest form of truth, if you interpret them correctly. The weeks after we met were some of the most thrilling times in my life. Except this was different. This wasn’t just some summer crush, nor was it just an exciting escape from the heavy, monotonous drone of summer that seeps into you like the hot and humid air. No, this feeling inside me persisted long after the season began to change. If lust is like the weather, love is more like the climate: You have hot days and cold days but over time, the climate remains steady.

Unfortunately, the weather became very rough indeed. Timing was the first obstacle to try and stop this love before it began. Perhaps it was a test, or perhaps the Universe just wanted to play a cruel joke on me, I may never know. But the first girl I truly was in love with was unavailable to me. In fact, she had just gotten back together with her high school boyfriend of three years when I met her. God only knows where I would be now if we had met just a week earlier, but I can only believe that things happen for a reason. On the surface, I realized that I would just be wasting my time trying to pursue this girl, but emotions are a strange and powerful thing, and something inside of me told me that what I felt was more than just lust or desire. So, I had to settle on a friendship. And we rapidly became good friends. It was almost as if we had known each other all of our lives. I had never felt more comfortable sharing myself with anyone else before. Band practice began to play a central roll in my life. Not only was this time the best the band had ever played, but I also had this exhilarating little secret to look forward to each time. I couldn’t get enough. I could only hope that she felt the same way.

To be continued...

Love vs. The Universe, Pt. 1

Love vs. The Universe

            It was a brilliantly sunny late summer afternoon when I first fell in love. With the weather reflecting my mood, I hopped out of my car and walked across the bridge to the Music Resource Center where I would be practicing with a new band for the first time. I went inside, greeted Damani at the front desk, and walked to the Blue Room where my band was setting up. After I opened that door, my entire world changed forever.

            She looked up at me, smiling from behind the drum set, and instantly our eyes locked. I had never felt something like this before. Something so...intense, and so sudden. It was as if my chest had caught fire while electricity coursed through my whole body. I didn’t understand it, and I didn’t really care. All I knew is that I loved this feeling I was having and it was because of this girl, this drummer, who’s band I was now a part of.

            I must have stared at her the entire practice. Not that I wasn’t paying attention to the music. Clearly, if you have a saxophone in your hands and a girl that you’re trying to impress just a few feet away, you’re gonna play that thing the best you can. So that’s just what I did. And it must have worked too, because the way she looked at me when I played made me feel like nothing ever had before. Every time our eyes met, we both knew exactly what the other was thinking. It was as if we had known each other all our lives. I knew in my heart right then and there that I would be with this girl; maybe not now, maybe not even in a few months, but eventually, if this feeling was as real as it seemed, it would happen. And, just as if the universe knew what had happened that day, it began testing us in every way imaginable. 

To Be Continued....

Best speech

Sadly, the word "speech" does not bring to mind anything unique from my own experience. I am not huge on speeches, and the ones I have heard have obviously not left enough of an impact on me to remember them well. Therefore, I have decided to do things a bit differently and choose a speech that I found to be both influential and controversial.

Hitler.

In his address to the Reichstag on January 30th, 1939, Hitler spoke to the German people about the "Jewish question," and uttered the following words:

"If the international finance-Jewry inside and outside Europe should succeed in plunging the nations into a world war yet again, then the outcome will not be the victory of Jewry, but rather the annihilation of the Jewish race in Europe!"

 Clearly, this was not only an influential speech, but it laid the groundwork for the annihilation of over 5 million Jewish people in Europe. Hitler constructed his speeches in such a way that cut deep within the German people, tugging on their pathos and targeting the precise emotions that would get them to follow his will. While Germany was down, in a terrible economic depression, Hitler gave the people a scapegoat to blame for their hardship, and managed to bend an entire nation to his sadistic will. I am not agreeing with him by saying his speech was good, I am merely recognizing the fact that Hitler was an excellent, persuasive speech maker. It is amazing what one can do with the right words said to the right audience.