Its been about 4 months since I've posted anything on this blog, and I feel that it is high time for me to resume. There is something comforting, in a way, about putting your thoughts out there for everyone and anyone to read. That being said, one must also be careful about how much information they reveal.
I am currently going through the roughest time that I have yet to face in my life. My beautiful girlfriend of over a year has decided to initiate a "break," which at this point means no contact until she is ready and able to stand on her own two feet without me to lean on.
It is my fault.
And it kills me that it has come to this. But after much heartache (and still more to come), I have started to realize that this break is necessary if we are to have any future at all. I even think perhaps I needed it too, even though I would never have been strong enough to ask for it.
When the love you share with someone becomes so intense, it is easy to lose yourself in that person. And that is what has happened to us. Not that being a part of someone is a bad thing, but too much intensity, especially at a young age, can certainly cause one to lose touch with themselves. So when a bad thing happens (think, cheating), it is virtually impossible to continue a relationship as it is. What needs to happen for a relationship to be saved is time and space from that person, in order to figure out who you are again and be able to heal on your own. This does not mean there is no hope for the future of the couple. A breach of trust that big means the end of the old relationship, but also, under the right circumstances, the opportunity for a new relationship to form between that couple. One that can be even better, stronger, and ultimately deeper than what they had before.
This all sounds great, and it can be, but only if the break is done right. If not enough time has past before the couple jumps back into romance, the person that was hurt might not be healed enough and will back away again, making the chances of getting back together even less likely. If too much time is given, frustration and resentment can build up in one or both parties, and lead to a sad dismantlement of the relationship.
There is not a set time for how long the "right time" will be: It depends on the couple, how strong they were (are), and how quickly they can heal. Sometimes it takes only a few days, sometimes a week or two, sometimes a month or more. One thing is for sure though: regardless of when the couple tries things again, it must be taken slow.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your significant other during this break is try to use it as a chance to improve yourself. Try to stay busy, study hard, work out, and just be the best person you can be. I was walking downtown last night and passed a beggar on the street. It was a cold, rainy night and the man had a kind face and asked if I could spare anything for him. My initial reaction was to say sorry but I didn't have anything on me. I told him to stay strong, and he didn't harass me or guilt-trip me because I hadn't given him anything. As I walked further down I kept thinking about this man, and how, despite how shitty I felt at the time, his situation was far worse. I turned around after a few minutes and walked back towards him, and there was another man there giving him a hot meal and coffee. That man left and I came back and asked him how he was doing. I couldn't hear his response but he looked at me and asked me how I was, and I told him I wasn't doing so great either. Then I opened up my wallet and handed him the only thing I had in there, a $20 bill. I told him to spend it well and good luck with everything, and went on my way. Perhaps I only did this to make myself feel better, but if that $20 helped a homeless man survive the night, then so what?
Sometimes it takes pain to truly recognize the things in life worth living for.
Back to my story. In my case, my girlfriend lives a couple hours away at another university. Fortunately for us, this gives us the opportunity to work on ourselves and our problems without being tempted to see each other because of proximity. Distance is key. The scariest part of that distance is not knowing where she is or what she is doing or who she's with. But its important to remember that she is feeling the exact same way.
One thing I haven't really addressed yet is No Contact, also known as NC (yes, its a real thing, I looked it up on Google. Actually I've spent hours reading different advice websites and a lot of this information is coming from the research I've done.) In my experience, deciding on having no contact with your partner is the best (and most difficult) way to give the person the space they need. If you don't contact them, you won't have the chance to make the situation worse by being too smothering, being mean, being sad, or just overall being a blubbering mess (no woman wants a man back that can't be strong and stand up for her or even himself.) This is something I've learned the hard way over the years. If you both decide the relationship as it stands can't go forwards, the best thing to do is simply stop talking for awhile and give her (and you) a chance to let things simmer down. The most important part of this is it will make them realize how much they miss you (and how much you miss them too), and that is always good for the beginnings of a new relationship. If you don't give them space, they won't miss you, and more likely just end up resenting you and the relationship even more.
DON'T BREAK THE NC RULE UNTIL THEY CONTACT YOU FIRST! Unless it has been a ridiculously long time and you can't wait in limbo any longer, don't do it. If you've reached your breaking point and still no word, then you might need to make sure they're not just dragging you along when they're just gonna end things for good eventually. Let them figure out how they feel, and let them miss you, and you have a good chance at starting a new relationship with that person. Most of the negative feelings that have built up between you two will have had a chance to die down and let you resume your connection.
One thing you must make sure of is not to breach your commitment to the one you love, even if a break means you're technically single. If you want to have any chance at all of winning her love and her trust back, you can't be with anyone else. Even if a cheap hookup seems like an easy way to feel better, its not worth it in the long run. Not if you really love this person. Now, if you were the one that broke her trust and cheated, its natural to be afraid that she'll do the same, either to get back at you or just to feel better. Trust me, she won't. Unless she really is out of love with you and doesn't want you back, she won't be with anyone else, or fall for any other guy. She is still in love with you, otherwise she would have ended it all at once. Even if she does end up making a mistake and hooking up with someone else, you must be able to forgive her. After all, you're hoping she will do the same for you. As long as you both can be honest with each other during the break, you can begin to build a new foundation of trust between each other.
Now, all this having been said, there is no guarantee that you will be able to get back together with that person. It is really up to them. If they love you enough, and think there still could be a future with you, they will most likely reach out to you after some time. I know its hard, so incredibly hard, but you must be patient. Even when your whole body feels like its on fire and drowning at the same time, you must wait.
Chances are, if you stay strong and do the right thing, it will all work out in the end. If you feel like the relationship is worth the pain you are going through right now, they probably do too. If you love them with all your heart and you know you will never, ever hurt them again, if you know that you are the one they are meant to be with, and that they are meant to be with you, then they know it too. It just may take some time for them to realize.
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I love you Avery. More than anything I have ever felt. More than anything I could ever feel for anyone else. This hasn't just been a teenage romance or an extended summer fling. This is true love. Yes, we've made some mistakes, and I certainly have earned the crown for that, but I know that the feelings we have had for each other have been real, more real than anything I know. You have taught me so much, and I know that there is still so much more I can learn from you.
That night, almost two years ago, when we sat on Willie's couch during his christmas party and we looked into each other's eyes, we knew. Before we could even text each other. Before we were even single. Before we had even kissed. We knew. You looked at me and you told me that you've known me long before this life. And that was when I first fell in love with you. I love you Avery. Always and Forever.
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